Grieving – Facing Illness, Death and Other Losses
If you are having any symptoms or have any questions, please call 811 to speak with a registered nurse 24 hours a day.
Get emergency care if you or a loved one has serious thoughts of suicide or harming others.
What is grief? Is what I’m experiencing ‘normal’? How long will it last?
Where can I go to find out more or get support? In this article, we will briefly discuss these questions – and more. If you or a someone you know are grieving, it is important to know that there is help and support available.
Grief can be hard for everyone, so please be gentle with yourself and read on. If you would like to speak to someone about your grief, please see the For More Information Section below.
What is grief?
It’s important to remember that by itself, grief is normal. It is not caused by a disease or a mental health disorder.
Grief can be shaped by your personality and coping style, social and cultural background, religious beliefs and customs, past experiences and the relationship you have with the loss.
As uncomfortable and painful as grief can be, it is a natural response to loss or significant changes of any kind. Instead of asking yourself, ‘What’s wrong with me?’, you might try asking ‘What’s happening to me?’
A lot happens to us when we grieve. Grief can affect your physical, emotional, spiritual, behavioral, social, and even financial wellbeing. Simply put, human beings grieve when a meaningful relationship with someone or something changes or ends. This change can cause distress in our lives and can be very painful.
We all grieve for many different reasons. The intensity of your response can vary because your grief is unique to the relationship that has changed or ended for you. Because grief is such an intimate part of who you are as a person, no two grief experiences are quite the same. As such, there is no right, wrong, or ‘normal’ way to grieve.
It’s important to get to know more about your particular grief. Coming to 811 is one step along that process (please note, you can also reach 811 by dialing 1-866-770-7763 in Nova Scotia or 1-866-770-7724 in PEI).
Some common examples of when people experience grief are:
- Death of a friend, or family member – including pets
- Relationship changes, including friendships and divorce
- Loss of home, moving to a new community or country
- Loss of community, connection, or spirituality
- Changes in your health or the health of a loved one
- Losing a job or changes in financial security
- Changes in your ways of life, such as during retirement or when moving.
- Experiencing a mass tragedy (natural disasters, accidents, violent acts)
What does grief look like?
It’s important to remember that how you experience your grief will likely evolve over time. It may depend on how you respond to suffering, as well as the situation and circumstances you are living through in a particular moment.
Shock, numbness, feeling overwhelmed, relief, anger, gratefulness, physical reactions, and so much more are all signs of grief. Having mixed-up feelings about the person or animal that died, or whatever was lost, is common to grief.
Some common experiences of grief after a loss might be:
- You are frequently exhausted, as if talking to others, eating, or doing very routine things, feel impossible or a real struggle.
- You feel forgetful or uncertain about how to do what was once routine.
- You find yourself comfort eating or have lost your appetite for food.
- You find yourself intensely feeling your emotions and even ‘jerked around’ by them – whether sadness, anger, frustration, love or simply feeling numb.
- Your sleep is disturbed, for example because of nightmares, vivid dreams, intrusive or repetitive thoughts about a relationship or event.
- You feel lonely, irritable, anxious, worried, scared, experience panic attacks and feel overwhelmed.
- You find yourself isolating from family, friends, and other social events.
- You stop thinking about the person or relationship that has changed, avoid talking to anyone about it or visiting places that remind you of them. Or conversely, they are all you can think or talk about, and you crave visiting places that help you feel connected to the source of your loss
- If you have experienced the death of someone from an illness, thoughts of your own health may increasingly come to mind.
- People often experience grief in their bodies. For example, a heaviness in your chest, discomfort at the pit of your stomach.
Are there stages of grief?
No one wants to feel distress. So, it’s no wonder that the idea of ‘stages of grief’ that we pass though (quickly!) on the way back to ‘normal’ has become popular. However, this idea is a myth – and can cause harm.
When we hear about ‘stages of grief,’ this refers to the five stages identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who studied how people with a terminal illness grieved the loss of their own health. She identified 5 stages leading to the acceptance of dying:
- Denial: “This isn’t happening. Not to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “I’ll make a change in my life, if only this won’t happen to me.”
- Depression: “I just don’t care anymore.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is happening.”
Kubler-Ross was referring to dying. While you may experience some of these elements when you are grieving, grief does not have discrete nor well defined stages. There are no ‘stages’ for grief. Grief has many states than can ebb and flow into one another, stopping and starting at any time.
So, how long will my grief last?
When will it be over so you can get back to normal?
Grief doesn’t have stages, nor does it follow a timeline. Grief is as unique as the person experiencing it.
Grief can seem to go away, and then resurface when you hit a significant milestone like an anniversary or special holiday. The smallest things – a memory, a picture, a date in the calendar, even a smell that you associate with the source of your loss – can bring your grief back to the surface just when you thought you had it all under control.
So, here’s some good news: while the intensity of how you experience your grief is unique to you, grief tends to settle down as you make sense of your loss. There are many things you can do to help cope with what you’re experiencing.
Grief is not just a single moment or a tidy set of stages you go through. Grief is part of your life. People are often told to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it.’ These forms of advice are often not helpful. Instead, focus on moving at your own pace and doing what feels right for you – after all, this is your grief and you’re feeling it because you cared deeply for a person, an animal, or an element of your life that you have lost.
If you feel like you’re having trouble with your emotions, ask for help. People who can help include friends, family, clergy, a counselor or therapist, support groups, and your family healthcare provider. You can also visit some of our links posted below.
If you do not have access to the internet at home to access these links, libraries often have public access that you can use at no cost.
Other Common Types of Grief
Anticipatory Grief: We often think of grief as happening after a death, but anticipatory grief is very real. Particularly when we are caring for someone with a terminal or life altering illness, our bodies can be in a state of hyper arousal. For example, a phone ringing or text message chime can put you on high alert and cause anxiety. This is exhausting and often accompanies caring for someone who is terminally ill. When the death does occur, it can also bring feelings of relief and even guilt. This is a normal part of anticipatory grief which is a reaction to that illness. In some cases, it may bring a shorter period and intensity of grief after the death occurs.
Ambiguous Grief: Unlike anticipatory grief, sometimes the person in our lives is still present, but has become someone you may not recognize in the same way. They may physically be present, but so much of what made them the person you were familiar with has changed. Addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries and mental illness are just some scenarios that can bring ambiguous grief into our lives. In a sense the person you experience is no longer the person you once knew, and you grieve that very real loss.
How do I deal with a loss?
There is no ‘right’ way to grieve. Everybody is different. Give yourself time to experience and express your loss in your own way. And remember to take care of yourself.
Grieving isn’t modeled for many people as they grow up. So sometimes we can be judgmental about our own experiences. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel – or not to feel – as seems best for you.
Take it one day at a time. Some people respond well to keeping busy while others need a lot of space. Discover what you need and give yourself permission to explore.
A lot of what’s happening when you grieve is outside of your control. Some people find it useful to control what they can by making a routine that fits for them and helps them do the things that are necessary.
Take time to pay attention to what’s happening with your emotions. You may notice that some emotions have physical connections. For example, some people feel queasy in the pit of their stomach when anxious, or their heart might race if stressed. Take time to notice how you’re feeling and give yourself space.
Talk about your grief with friends, family, a spiritual leader, a counselor or therapist, support groups, and your family healthcare provider or visit some of our links posted below.
If it’s helpful, consider how you can continue connecting with the person or animal who has died, or remembering the elements of life that you are missing. For example, doing something you did with the person or pet, visiting their grave, writing them a letter about how you feel, writing a poem, painting, or creating a playlist of music that reminds you of what has passed.
Getting outside and moving your body can be really helpful, as can learning paced breathing and other breathing techniques. All the emotional and physical energy of grief needs to be metabolized in our bodies, so physical activity and wellness techniques are an effective way to help you find some balance.
If none of this works, do not panic. You haven’t failed. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it may suggest that you need to have some further conversations with a healthcare provider.
When might I need clinical support?
The symptoms of grief and the symptoms of depression are quite similar. It’s normal for you to feel sad after a loss, and while the feelings with grief can ebb and flow over time, they often become manageable in a few months.
Over time, if you find that your feelings are disrupting your daily life, or if you start to think about hurting yourself or others, contact a healthcare provider immediately. These may be signs of depression and a healthcare provider can provide effective treatment and support for it.
Grief can be a complicated experience for anyone, especially if your relationship with person who died was challenging or distressing for you, or if the death occurred in a violent, unexpected, or tragic way. If, after many months, it has become difficult to work, engage with your friends or family, and the loss has not been integrated into a new normal for you, then additional support should be sought. If you’ve experienced clinical depression or anxiety in the past, additional support could be both helpful and necessary.
It’s important to speak to a healthcare provider if you:
- feel like life isn’t worth living
- wish you had died with the person who died
- blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
- feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
- are having trouble trusting others following your loss
- are unable to perform your normal daily activities
- stop looking after yourself.
If you are experiencing any or all of the above, it’s really important to tell a healthcare provider, grief counselor, or therapist what you’re experiencing. This is something they can help with.
When will I start ‘living well’ with my grief?
It may start with small changes. For example, you may find it’s a little easier to get up in the morning, or you may have small bursts of energy. You might begin to reorganize your life around your loss or without the person or animal that died. During this time, it may feel like you’re on a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns. You may feel better one day, but worse the next day. This is normal.
Learning to live with your grief and recreating your life takes time and a lot of energy, so be patient and gentle with yourself.
Remember that living your life without the person or animal that has died doesn’t mean you forget them. While your grief will stay with you, it can change over time, and even become a source of strength that informs who you are as a person. Eventually, your life can grow with the grief that is consuming your attention now. By having new experiences, adjusting your hopes and dreams, you’ll begin to create a life that extends with and beyond your loss. That doesn’t mean forgetting the person who was, and continues to be, important to you, or that your loss wasn’t important. It means that you are ‘living well’ with your grief.
FOR MORE INFORMATION & SUPPORT
Speak to Someone You Trust
Many grievers find healing and care in their existing support networks. Ask yourself if there is a local faith leader, family member or friend, that would be a good place to start in speaking to someone about your grief. It can sound like a simple step, and often when we are overwhelmed, a simple reach out can be very effective.
Canadian Virtual Hospice (mygrief.ca) & KidsGrief.ca
MyGrief.ca and KidsGrief.ca help you to understand and move through your grief. Explore the confidential, free site in your own place, at your own pace. These resources were developed by people who have ‘been there’ and by grief specialists. They feature ‘real life’ stories and experiences across all kinds of different losses.
NS Palliative Care Association
This website is full of additional resources and support. Scroll down the page and select the zone that’s closest to you to see where your local hospice is – hospices in Nova Scotia often offer in person and/or virtual grief support groups and events for the general public. Calling a local hospice to inquire about grief support or visiting a local hospice website can be a first step in talking to someone about your grief.
Phone: (782) 321-7181 Email: [email protected]
Access Wellness is a free single-session supportive counselling service for individuals, couples, or families. Sessions can be held over the phone, online with video, or in-person. People can speak with a qualified professional and learn strategies.
Visit AccessWellnessNovaScotia.com and click the chat icon or call 1.833.691.2282 and tell them your concerns. Their support team will help you find the right type of support.
211 NS offers 24/7 navigational assistance in 100 languages. Visit this site to find local programs, including community-based grief support groups, by searching grief and selecting your specific location.
Mental Health & Addictions Supports (Nova Scotia)
There are thousands of mental health and addictions professionals who provide support, programs, and services to Nova Scotians across the province. You’re not alone. They’re here to help.
NS Mental Health and Addictions Intake – If you need help with a mental health or addiction concern, their team is here to help. Monday to Friday, 8:30 am to 4:30 pm (Tuesdays and Thursdays until 8pm). Voicemail on weekends. Phone: 1-855-922-1122
NS Provincial Mental Health and Addictions Crisis Line: 1-888-429-8167
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868, Text CONNECT to 686868
Grief Matters is a not-for-profit educational organization that aims to increase grief literacy to support grievers in communities across Nova Scotia (and beyond). They host an annual grief festival, and provide resources including blogs, webinars, conferences, and podcasts.
If you are caring for someone and grieving while you do so, contact Caregivers Nova Scotia. For over 20 years, they have been offering support groups across the province and providing excellent resources and support for caregivers.
Toll-free: 1.877.488.7390
French language line: 902.233.6794
Email: [email protected]
Bereaved Families is a not-for-profit organization founded in Cape Breton that has expanded service throughout the province including, Antigonish, Barrington and Shelburne and Yarmouth. They offer complimentary grief and wellness programs and services for those who have experienced loss.
Their core programs include monthly walk-in support and share sessions and six-week grief programs that are offered throughout the year to help move through the grief process and for the mental health and well-being of individuals. The programs are open to anyone 18 years of age and older who is experiencing grief as the result of the death of a loved one. Some six-week programs are offered in dual mode (in-person and virtually).
Phone: (902)-564-6795 Email: [email protected]
PEI Mental Health and Addictions
Mental Health and Addictions Phone Line at 1-833-553-6983 (toll-free).
Mental Health and Addictions Services https://www.princeedwardisland.ca/en/information/health-pei/mental-health-and-addictions-services
211 PEI
Call or visit online for grief support resources https://pe.211.ca/
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